Wake Forest AD Insists Basketball Team Is Ready For Postseason

Despite their 7-12 record and eight losses in their last nine games, Wake Forest Athletic Director Ron Wellman said that the Demon Deacons men’s basketball team will be ready for the post season. .

 “I have heard that some of our fans are upset because I fired Coach [Dino] Gaudio for not winning more in the post season despite the fact that our only Final Four was in 1962 and that his winning percentage of 66.6% is higher than Skip Prosser’s 64.9% and current head coach Jeff Bzdelik’s 50.2%, which does include his 45.5% winning percentage at the job previously held.  Did I mention he has been my bud for over thirty years?“, said Wellman

“Lookit, one of the keys to winning a basketball game is to out rebound your opponent.  With all the missed shots we have, we are certainly getting better at rebounding.  Our margin of defeat in conference play is only 26 points.  I am confident that this will make teams misunderestimate us and we will totally dominate in the post season.  It will be like a switch-a-roo or something.”

Ari Stewart, a sophomore forward for Wake Forest, said he hopes Wellman is right.  “I hope Wellman is right.”

Freshman Travis McKie said he agreed.  “I agree.” 

Former coach Dino Gaudio was unavailable for comment.  According to his wife, Gaudio was looking for his ass, which had fallen off during his most recent laughing attack.

Broncos Make Sly Choice, Hire John Fox To Be Head Coach

John Elway, looking to lead another Denver Broncos comeback, hired former Carolina Panthers head coach John Fox. 

Elway said, Fox "is dynamic and proven.  Coming off a 4-12 record and knowing that we will have a weak schedule, we look forward to an 11-5 or 12-4 record, followed by 7-9 the next two years. I feel certain that his style of play, choice of assistant coaches, and consistently inconsistent results will cement my legacy as the greatest Broncos player ever."

Broncos owner Pat Bowlen agreed that Fox is the right man for the job.  "Coach Fox is rooted in defensive football, but when it comes to offense, people don't give him the credit he deserves for his innovative approach.  He really keeps defenses guessing. Most teams throw down field when it is 3rd & long.  When he was with the Panthers, defenses never knew if they were running right or left.  Sometimes he would throw in a bigger wrinkle and use Steve Smith as a decoy for six or seven straight games.  Things things make it very difficult to game plan."

Elway concurred with Bowlen about Fox's innovations.  "Coach Fox doesn't subscribe to the groupthink
that every other NFL team and coach does.  They all believe tiring a defense is the best way to win.  John's approach is different.  He tires out the opposing team's offense by letting them have the ball for 35-40 minutes a game.  By the time they have their fourth or fifth touchdown, that offense is gassed."

Quarterback Tim Tebow, whom most NFL pundits dismiss as a run first quarterback with questionable mechanics, seemed relieved by the hiring.  "People say that I can't throw and that I'm just a runner.  With Coach Fox here it is a moot point.  I'll either be running on designed plays or running from opposing defenders when I drop back.  Either way I'm running, so it should be a win-win for me and my critics."

Asked about his opportunity with Denver, Coach Fox said, "I relish the opportunity to working the players and wasting their talent, like I did with Steve Smith.  I also look forward to mystifying the fans with years of mediocre results."