Super Bowl Report: Big Ben Well Rested & Ready To Go

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said he is well rested for Sunday’s Super Bowl tilt with the Green Bay Packers.  “I was feeling kind of worn out after the AFC Championship and wasn’t real sure how things would go once we arrived here in Texas.” 

Roethlisberger’s rest, however, was aided by an emergency plan enacted by the twenty-one presidents of the Dallas-Fort Worth area’s colleges and universities.  Once the Steelers won the AFC crown and booked their ticket for Super Bowl XLV, the presidents placed all female students on lockdown.  R. Gerald Turner, president of Southern Methodist University, said the plan was simple.  “The plan was simple”, said Turner.  “Once we knew for sure the Steelers were coming, we enacted a plan to protect our female students.  This was a serious, credible threat to their well being.  We had not faced a challenge of this magnitude since Michael Irvin played for the Cowboys”



The Champ will have to wait until after XLV to get XXX

Charlotte Turner, a junior at Paul Quinn College, said she did not mind the lock down.  “Um, like yeah, I’m okay with the lock down.  I mean we have lots of pro teams here in Dallas, so yeah, I can totally get sexually assaulted by a pro athlete anytime I want.  Besides I’ve got this really big psych test next Tuesday so the time has been helpful for cramming.  My boyfriend Cody, he’s a Kappa Alpha, gets so jealous it’s not even funny.  I’m all as if and he’s like all is to.  So the lock down is good all around.”

Roethlisberger elaborated further on the situation.  “At first I was really looking forward to partying at TCU and SMU.  I’ve heard the girls at Cedar Valley are fine too and that the chicks at Dallas Baptist are freaks, but that Richland and Tarleton State girls aren’t much and kind of prudish.  Anyway, all this rest will help me dance around and hold the football longer than normal.”

Meanwhile…..

Clay Matthews knows that the Steelers offense poses lots of threats – Hines Ward’s blocking, Mike Wallace’s speed, fierce running from Rashard Mendenhall, and an elite quarterback.  The latter of which causes Matthews the most concern.  “Ben Roethlisberger causes a lot of trouble.  He can run, throw, and improvise.  The thing that worries me the most is that he’s gonna see my hair and think I’m a chick and try to do me on national TV.” 

Clay Matthews fears Ben Roethlisberger is going to get all Gatorade bottle on him. 
He is awful purty though, ain't he?

Matthews stated that he doesn’t think his fear of being anally raped on worldwide television is unfounded.  Matthews said he spoke with fellow long haired USC alum Troy Polamalu about the possibility of a Roethlisberger rogering.  “Troy said that there have been a couple of incidents when he’s been showering and Ben comes in.  Nothing ever happened past some comments and an ass slap, but Troy said Ben is one horny dude and that I better watch out”.

And……

Fox executives have cleared seven hours for the game.  Not the pregame show, which started last Tuesday, and game, but for the game itself.  Fox VP of Production, James Addobise gave the reasoning in an exclusive statement to some other newspaper that SASR intercepted.  “We plan on showing more replays that normal.  Especially needless replays, like a guy looking to his side or just sitting there doing nothing.  My favorite is when two guys are talking and the announcers act like they know what was being said because one of them used to play football.  We also plan on having about 40% more replays of three and four yard gains that don’t result in first downs.  We will probably show these kind of replays seven to eight times.  Research and focus groups with our staff shows that fans love this kind of stuff.”

Prediction

Both teams had tight games in their respective conference championships.  Both teams have stout defenses with excellent coordinators.  The offenses are about the same, which is good.  Both teams have excellent coaches.  This should be a really good, tight game that comes down to an X factor.  Karma will be the X factor in this game, as Aaron Rodgers will add to Brett Favre’s miserable season by leading the Packers to their fourth Super Bowl title.

Wake Forest AD Insists Basketball Team Is Ready For Postseason

Despite their 7-12 record and eight losses in their last nine games, Wake Forest Athletic Director Ron Wellman said that the Demon Deacons men’s basketball team will be ready for the post season. .

 “I have heard that some of our fans are upset because I fired Coach [Dino] Gaudio for not winning more in the post season despite the fact that our only Final Four was in 1962 and that his winning percentage of 66.6% is higher than Skip Prosser’s 64.9% and current head coach Jeff Bzdelik’s 50.2%, which does include his 45.5% winning percentage at the job previously held.  Did I mention he has been my bud for over thirty years?“, said Wellman

“Lookit, one of the keys to winning a basketball game is to out rebound your opponent.  With all the missed shots we have, we are certainly getting better at rebounding.  Our margin of defeat in conference play is only 26 points.  I am confident that this will make teams misunderestimate us and we will totally dominate in the post season.  It will be like a switch-a-roo or something.”

Ari Stewart, a sophomore forward for Wake Forest, said he hopes Wellman is right.  “I hope Wellman is right.”

Freshman Travis McKie said he agreed.  “I agree.” 

Former coach Dino Gaudio was unavailable for comment.  According to his wife, Gaudio was looking for his ass, which had fallen off during his most recent laughing attack.

Broncos Make Sly Choice, Hire John Fox To Be Head Coach

John Elway, looking to lead another Denver Broncos comeback, hired former Carolina Panthers head coach John Fox. 

Elway said, Fox "is dynamic and proven.  Coming off a 4-12 record and knowing that we will have a weak schedule, we look forward to an 11-5 or 12-4 record, followed by 7-9 the next two years. I feel certain that his style of play, choice of assistant coaches, and consistently inconsistent results will cement my legacy as the greatest Broncos player ever."

Broncos owner Pat Bowlen agreed that Fox is the right man for the job.  "Coach Fox is rooted in defensive football, but when it comes to offense, people don't give him the credit he deserves for his innovative approach.  He really keeps defenses guessing. Most teams throw down field when it is 3rd & long.  When he was with the Panthers, defenses never knew if they were running right or left.  Sometimes he would throw in a bigger wrinkle and use Steve Smith as a decoy for six or seven straight games.  Things things make it very difficult to game plan."

Elway concurred with Bowlen about Fox's innovations.  "Coach Fox doesn't subscribe to the groupthink
that every other NFL team and coach does.  They all believe tiring a defense is the best way to win.  John's approach is different.  He tires out the opposing team's offense by letting them have the ball for 35-40 minutes a game.  By the time they have their fourth or fifth touchdown, that offense is gassed."

Quarterback Tim Tebow, whom most NFL pundits dismiss as a run first quarterback with questionable mechanics, seemed relieved by the hiring.  "People say that I can't throw and that I'm just a runner.  With Coach Fox here it is a moot point.  I'll either be running on designed plays or running from opposing defenders when I drop back.  Either way I'm running, so it should be a win-win for me and my critics."

Asked about his opportunity with Denver, Coach Fox said, "I relish the opportunity to working the players and wasting their talent, like I did with Steve Smith.  I also look forward to mystifying the fans with years of mediocre results."