Week 13 Preview

Here are the things that will impact how this week’s games will turn out:

Cleveland vs. Miami: Cleveland has the big head after winning last week’s practice game against the Panthers.  Peyton Hillis is a certified stud, but Miami will win and Snowflake will still be safe.

San Francisco vs. Green Bay: 49ers coach Mike Singletary returns to Lambeau Field, where the former Bears great used to terrorize subpar Packers teams.   This time the shoe is on the other foot, as Green Bay is good and the 49ers not so much.  Although San Francisco has played better with the right Smith, Troy, not Alex, the smart money is on Green Bay.     

Denver vs. Kansas City: Revenge Game!  After Denver blitzed Kansas City 49-29 in Week 10, Kansas City coach Todd Hailey refused to shake the hand of Denver coach Josh McDaniels.  Prevailing wisdom at the time was Hailey was angry with McDaniels for running up the score.  The truth came to light the week as Hailey told reporters why he pointedly refused the handshake.  “McDaniels doesn’t wash his hands after he uses the bathroom.  That is unsanitary and a great way to spread germs, especially during cold and flu season.” Hailey and the Chiefs will both the germs and the Broncos.

You need to wash your hands, McDaniels!  You're a grown ass man for crying out loud.

Buffalo vs. Minnesota: Buffalo has won two games, been forced to play a game in Canada, and has a wide receiver that blamed God for a dropped pass that would have been a game ending touchdown against Pittsburgh.  Minnesota has a coach with a girl’s name, a running back with a girl’s name, and a quarterback that throws a lot of interceptions.  Minnesota’s troubles would normally be enough to lose.  However, God is still pissed about Steve Johnson blaming him for a dropped pass.  Expect Minnesota to get all Old Testament on Buffalo.

Chicago vs. Detroit:  Chicago is in first place.  Detroit is in last place.  DeAngelo Hall plays for the Redskins, not the Detroit Lions, so Jay Cutler can rest easy.  Chicago wins.

Jacksonville vs. Tennessee:  Last week Tennessee’s Cortland Finnegan kissed his NFL career goodbye.  Getting whooped by Andre Johnson isn’t what did it.  Smiling and clapping his hands like he didn’t get whooped when everyone, including him, knows he got whopped but was trying to draw attention away from the fact he got whooped is what ruined his career.  Jacksonville’s tough guy coach Jack Del Rio will make sure the Jags exploit this newly found weak link.

Washington vs. New York Giants: New York will win this one.  They will run it straight up Washington’s gut.  That is, the massive gut of Albert Haynesworth, who will have five pastrami hoagies and no tackles while Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw run wild.

New Orleans vs. Cincinnati: Cincinnati had a football team?  Go figure.  Saints over the Bungles.

Oakland vs. San Diego: A battle of what seems to be underachieving team that is coming on strong and an overachieving team that is cooling off.  How can this be and why was the preceding sentence ended with a preposition?  I don’t know either answer, but I do know nerds are taking over the world.  This trend continues as Norv “The Nerd” Turner’s Chargers take the win.

Atlanta vs. Tampa Bay: An albatross once caused a mariner trouble.  This time it is birds of a different feather in the Falcons looking to cause trouble for a different type of sea farers in the Buccaneers.  A buccaneer is a sissy way of saying pirate.  Pirates are supposed shoot cannons and guns and be mean.  All the football experts say Atlanta is the best team in the NFC.  This non-expert says this has made the Falcons cocky and that they will lose to Tampa Bay.

Carolina vs. Seattle:  Seahawks aren’t scavengers, but they will be this week as the pick at what’s left of Carolina’s carcass.  Seattle wins and the remaining Panthers are euthanized despite PETA’s protests.

St. Louis vs. Arizona: This week Arizona quarterback Derek Anderson worked his ass off and was extra serious about sucking the best he could suck.  He also worked on his pretend to be mad acting skills.  The problem for Arizona is that Anderson did not work on his football skills.  St. Louis head butts Arizona to another loss.

Dallas vs. Indianapolis: Lately on argument can be made that the horseshoe logo on Peyton Manning’s helmet is from getting pulverized by opposing players.  Dallas is playing well after tanking on Wade Phillips the first eight games.  Cowboys normally ride colts, but Peyton Manning is on the record as liking crappy country music – but isn’t most country music crappy nowadays? What does that have to do with this game?  It means the Colts save a horse and ride the Cowboys.

Pittsburgh vs. Baltimore: A good old fashioned slug fest.  Tough defenses, intense coaches, and genuine dislike.  If you don’t like these kinds of games, let me encapsulate it for you: The Ravens will knife through Pittsburgh’s offensive line much like the same way Ray Lewis helped knife through Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar in January 2000.  Ben Roethlisberger will hold onto the ball too long.  John Harbaugh and Mike Tomlin will scare players and officials with their steely glares.  Baltimore will win in a hard fought game.

New York Jets vs. New England: Reports came out this week that Tom Brady is growing his hair long because he is losing his hair.  This is referred to as the Hulk Hogan Hairdo.  “Maybe if I grow it long enough they won’t notice I’m bald.”  Rex Ryan had a lap band put on his stomach and he is still fat.  I don’t know what that is called.  This game is, however, for first place in the AFC East.  The winner also moves into first place in the entire AFC.   The Jets starting wide receivers have been arrested for drunk driving and pot, respectively.  Tom Brady is married to a super model.  Mark Sanchez designed t-shirts for the Jets training camp.  The Jets most famous fan is some guy in a fireman’s hat.  The Patriots most famous fan is Ozzy Osbourne.  None of what was previously written will have any bearing on the game unless Braylon Edwards or Santonio Holmes drives New York’s bus to the stadium. The Jets won the first one, but the Patriots win this one.