Jake Delhomme Responsible For Yet Another Panthers Loss & Other Football News

Jake Delhomme was up to his old tricks again, as he was responsible for another Panthers loss Sunday.  Delhomme exhibited his tendency to let the opposing team back in the game by throwing bad interceptions, including the pick six by Captain Munnerlyn.  After the game Delhomme, who is one of the game's nicer guys, said, "Man, it sure feels great to get a win!  I was kind of confused for a while because I am so used to playing for [the Panthers] and I'm used to throwing to the other team.  During the whole game I felt like I was still on Carolina.  That's why I hadn't thrown any picks.  When the second half started, I still thought I was on the Panthers and realized that was who I needed to throw the ball to.  When [Carolina] got that touchdown I was like, 'Alright!', but Peyton Hillis smacked me upside the head and told me to throw it to the guys in the brown shirts.  So I just pretended I was on the Panthers again so I would throw it to the other team, which in this case is my team.  The Browns."

When asked if this win felt any different, Delhomme said, "No, but hopefully the fans in Charlotte realize it wasn't my fault after all."

In Other NFL News:

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson dropped what would have been a game winning touchdown pass during overtime of Buffalo's 19-16 loss to Pittsburgh.  After the game, Johnson tweeted that the drop was God's fault.  God tweeted back: "OMI!  ROTFLMAO at your butterfingers!  O yeah U R going 2 Hell now."

Norv Turner's unconventional plan to go ahead and get all the losses over with at the beginning of the season, close strong to make the playoffs is once again working to perfection.  The San Diego beat Indianapolis to stay one game back of Kansas City in the AFC West.  The Chargers' win also helped create a four team log jam for the final playoff spot with five games to go.

Speaking of Indianapolis, Peyton Manning struggled for the second straight game.  Against New England last week, Manning threw three interceptions.  Last night San Diego intercepted Manning four times, returning two for touchdowns.  Asked about his Vinny Testaverdeesque performance, Manning blamed the bad games on the movie Megamind.  "I've been doing a lot of promotional work with the movie and it has taken a lot of time that I normally devote to football.  Being the star of the movie is a lot of fun, but I need to get back to football."



Peyton Manning as Megamind (above) and at the 2009 Pro Bowl (below)



Major League Baseball's Shocking Hire

Bob Watson, Vice President of Discipline for Major League Baseball, announced that he will retire at year end.  Moving quickly to replace Watson, Major League Baseball has hired well known Lower East Side dominatrix Miss Jacqueline.  In a Semi-Accurate Sports Report exclusive, this reporter sat down with Miss Jacqueline.

SASR: Miss Jacqueline, will you implement any changes to Mr. Watson's platform?

MJ: Silence Worm!  You only speak when I tell you to speak.

SASR: Written note to Miss Jacqueline asking for permission to speak.

MJ: Worm, you may now speak.

SASR: Miss Jacqueline, back to my first question.  Will you increase any of the current punishment standards?

MJ: Yes my little worm.  In addition to the normal suspensions, those naughty little men must wear nipple clamps, get spanked, and play games wearing a ball gag.

SASR: That sounds a little extreme.  Do you think families will attend games if the players are sporting those types of, um, fashion accessories?

MJ: Discipline is necessary and oh so good.  Our players will behave or they will have to deal with me and Woody.

At this point Miss Jacqueline scared me so I left lickity split.  This report will share any other made-up news as it is created.



Don't make this woman angry.



The LOL & Karma Wrap-Up Edition (11/8 - 11/15)

College Basketball:

Wake Forest fired its wildly popular basketball coach because he had not won any ACC Championships during his short tenure and because he won as many NCAA Championships as every other Wake Forest hoops coach before him: zero.  Athletic Director Ron Wellman hired his longtime friend Jeff Bzdelik to replace Dino Gaudio.  How did it go?  Ask Karma.  Coach Bzdelik became the first Wake Forest coach in 77 years to lose his inaugural game.  Wake's opponent, Stetson, was 7-22 last year and was picked to finish 10th in their 11 team league.  It was also the first home opener loss ever for Wake since they moved to the Joel Coliseum. Guess you should have kept Dino, Ron.  LOL!  Oh yeah, Wake's starting point guard broke his foot and is out for 8-10 weeks. 

Well known shyster John Calipari recruited European professional Enes Kanter to play at Kentucky.  Calipari thought everything was okay since no grades had to be changed.  Thankfully someone at the NCAA was paying attention and ruled the player ineligible.  Given Calipari's record, this is LOL. Of course Calipari is still raking in millions while the kid is SOL.

Soccer:

Former President and soccer expert Bill Clinton is trying to help the United States land the 2022 World Cup.  Although 90% of Americans couldn't care less about soccer, some folks are determined to use tax payer dollars to bring the game stateside.  When asked why he was acting as Honorary Director of the U.S. 2022 World Cup Candidacy since May 2010, Clinton smiled and said, "I hear they got a couple of beret lovin' Jewish girls on the selection committee."




NFL:

Kansas City coach Todd Haley refused to shake Denver coach Josh McDaniels' hand after losing 49-29.  Our state-of-the-art audio equipment was there to capture the sounds:




Haley: Gimme five! Up high! Down low, too slow!


Jacksonville beat Houston after Mike Thomas caught a ball that Houston's Glover Quin tried to knock down as he had been taught.  After the game Quin said, " Sorry coach.  I guess I should have caught it instead.  LOL!"

After costing Wade Phillips his job, Dallas woke up to beat the Giants 33-20.  Dallas receiver Miles Austin told reports, "I guess we had this in us all along.  Sorry Wade. LOL!"

Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco are "me first" players.  How does Karma feel?  Both are having solid years.  Owens has 59 receptions for 834 yards and 7 touchdowns.  Ochocinco has 47/559/3.  Of course their team is 2-7 with six straight loses.

Philadelphia destroyed Washington 59-28 Monday night as Karma ran wild. As you know, Washington sent NFL pundits into an orgasmic orbit during the off season by making Mike Shanahan head coach and trading for perennially unloved Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.  In Week 4, the Redskins beat the aforementioned Eagles.  McNabb celebrated that win and referenced his trade from Philadelphia by saying, "Everybody makes mistakes in their lifetime, and they made one last year."  Oh, Karma did not like that.  Since then Washington is 2-3, including a loss to Detroit in which McNabb was pulled because Rex Grossman knew the 2 minute offense better and/or McNabb was not in good enough shape to run the 2 minute offense (side note: the 'Skins then brought in 300 lb JaMarcus Russell for a workout; how out of shape could McNabb be?). 

Karma has not forgotten Michael Vick either.  Let's take a Karmatic stroll, shall we?  Coming out of college and early in his pro career, Micheal Vick was sending NFL wags into a, you guessed it, orgasmic orbit.  Despite being wildly inaccurate, Vick was being hailed as one of the greatest players.  Vick didn't help matters by repeatedly separating his shoulder from self-congratulatory back patting.  Then Karma stepped in.  She dealt a broken leg, disintegrating fan support, declining numbers, the Ron Mexico incident, flipping off the Atlanta fans, and jail time.  Since serving time for his dog fighting ring, Karma has been on Vick's side. Vick never killed people lick Donte Stallworth and Leonard Little, but fans continue to dislike Vick, so Karma has seen him play lights out this year.  Last night in Washington, Vick threw for 333 yards and four touchdowns, and accounted for six total touchdowns.  Of course whatever Karmatic goodwill Vick had went right out the window when he said, "I've had some great games in my day, but I don't think I've had one quite like this one."  Micheal Vick, expect to see Karma or her cousins Poetic Justice or Irony sometime soon.

College Football:

Cam Newton's dad offers Georgia $1 coupons to Qboda in exchange for letting Auburn win.

Wisconsin hits ten three pointers and scores 47 points in the paint during 83-20 win over Indiana.  Asked about the collapse of his defense, Indiana coach Bill Lynch simply said, "LOL!"

Breaking News: NFL Record Set

For the first time in the storied history of the NFL, three entire teams have been listed as doubtful for their games.  The Panthers, Cowboys, and Bills are all listed as doubtful for tomorrow's games.  Panthers coach John Fox said, "It is what it is," when asked about the doubtful listing.  When pressed about what was what is, Coach Fox responded "it" was what it was.  The Semi Accurate Sports Report will stay tuned for any further developments.

The Wrap 11/5 - 11/8

College Football:

TCU demolished Utah to earn a spot opposite Boise State in the BCS Screw You Bowl.  The lesser known of the BCS bowls will be played at Mennen Sports Arena in Morristown, NJ.

SEC powerhouse Auburn showed that the SEC plays top competition every week by defeating Chattanooga 62-24. 

College Basketball:

Despite having exhausted his eligibility in 2008, NC State's Gavin Grant leads the nation in steals.
http://abclocal.go.com/wtvd/story?section=news/local&id=7767702&rss=rss-wtvd-article-7767702
When asked about his new found ability to penetrate seemingly secure areas, Grant took the fifth, and we ain't talking fouls either.
Division II Indianapolis beat Tennessee 79-64 in Knoxville.  Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl was contrite after the game and vowed a stronger performance.  "I take full responsibility for this loss, even if it is an exhibition game," said Pearl.  "Moving forward, I am going to do my best to make our fans forget about this game.  This program is about about me and you can rest assured that I will do some things to draw as much attention to myself instead of the seeming lack of structure with which my teams play." 

Virginia Tech is one of the teams generating lots of attention this year.  Coach Seth Greenberg said he expects this year to result in the Hokies biggest NCAA snub yet.

Michigan State is a trendy pick (again) to win the national championship.  This reporter will go out on a limb and say this will not happen until Greco-Roman wrestling and decapitation are no longer called as fouls.


NASCAR:

Denny Hamlin won AMP Energy Juice 500 at Texas Motor Speedway.  Hamlin's win vaulted him into first place in the Chase for the Sprint Cup, thereby delighting sports writers and sports casters everywhere.

An angry Jeff Gordon accosted Jeff Burton after the latter Jeff wrecked the former.  The Rainbow Warrior was still angry after the on track confrontation.  "I think I broke a nail.  It hurts really bad!" said a visibly upset Gordon.

Would you scuffle with this man?

NBA:

LeBron James and Nike unveiled the "What Should I Do?" commercial.  The two most popular answers are Stop Being A Dick (54%) and Nix The Christ-Like References (37%).


NFL:

Panthers QB Matt Moore is out for the rest of the season with a torn labrum.  An emotional Moore said, "Thank Goodness for small miracles.  This is the best day of my professional career."

Philadelphia beat Indianapolis 26-24 in a hard fought battle.  Philadelphia quarterback Michael Vick played for the first time since suffering a rib injury October 3.  The game was delayed for several minutes during the second quarter after Colts receiver Austin Collie took a vicious hit from Kurt Coleman.  Collie, who was taken off via a stretcher, had movement in his extremities and is expected to make a full recovery.  Asked about his thoughts on the game and his 218 passing yards with a TD and 74 rushing yards performance, Vick said, "Oh man, this is a big win for us.  Anytime you play Peyton Manning and a team like the Colts its big.  I've been working like a dog to get healthy and help my team win, so, yeah, this is huge.  Our defense played like pit bulls out there today and really helped put us in good field position.  I'm glad that Austin Collie is okay too.  Collie's aren't normally known as fighters, so him being okay is great."

Sebastian Janikowski put down his beer and bratwurst to kick a game tying 41 yard field goal at the end of regulation and a game winning 33 yard field goal 2:53 into overtime to propel the Raiders over the Chiefs.  The 23-20 victory put the Raiders 1/2 game behind the AFC West leading Chiefs.

The Detroit Lions continued their fifty year practical joke against their fans.  The Lions led the Jets 20-10 with just over two minutes to play, but wound up losing in overtime 23-20.  After the game, the Lions sent the following message to the Facebook fans:     "Thought we'd win today, huh?  LOL!"

Following an 0-7 start, the NFL exiled the Buffalo Bills to Toronto for their game against Chicago.  The change of venue did not help as Chicago won 22-19.  Following the loss, Canada barred Buffalo, Dallas, and Carolina from playing any other games in their country.  The NFL is working to schedule the Three Stooges of Football's next games in international waters.