The Wrap Oct. 22 - 24

NFL:

The Oakland Raiders 59-14 destruction of the Denver Broncos appears to be an elaborate hoax.  NFL officials are investigating reports that the Raiders actually played Denver’s Lakewood High School – the Tigers, in case you’re scoring at home – instead of the Broncos.  Sources close to the investigation, but not authorized to speak, say members of the Tigers changed the Bronco’s itinerary to make it seem they had a Monday night game.  Trey Cunningham, Lakewood’s quarterback, had no comment other than, “If we did do that, and I’m not saying we did, it was an epic fail.  It’s all good anyway dude.  We’re 6-1-1 and have a gift game against Grand Junction Central this weekend.”  Raiders coach Tom Cable said he does not care who they played.  “Mr. Davis says, ‘Just Win Baby’ and that’s exactly what we did.”

Kenny Britt caught seven passes for 225 yards and three touchdowns in Tennessee’s 37-19 victory of Philadelphia.  Britt was held out of the first quarter for his involvement in a bar fight early Friday morning.  While discussing his performance after the game, Britt said he now plans to get in a bar fight every week.

It was like old times in Green Bay Sunday night.  Brett Favre threw three interceptions as his team lost in the final minutes.

College Football:

            Virginia Tech beat Duke’s intramural football team

Boise State, TCU, and Utah release a joint statement upon being ranked 3, 5, and 8, respectively, in the latest BCS rankings.  “We are pleased with the recognition of our student-athletes’ hard work and on-field accomplishments.  Hopefully the BCS will remember this and at least kiss us before screwing us when the national championship game and the other BCS games are scheduled.”

Mixed Martial Arts:

Cain Velasquez scored a first round TKO over for Brock Lesnar to win the UFC heavyweight championship.  The action packed first round was even until referee Herb Dean was distracted by Jimmy “Mouth of The South” Hart.  Lesnar took the opportunity to try hitting Velasquez with a chair.  Velasquez turned around a split second before receiving a certain cranial smashing and kicked Lesnar in the stomach.  As Lesnar bent over and remained still, Lesnar administered a victory sealing DDT.

Soccer:

European and African soccer officials are dealing with an increased hooliganism.  Fans have rioted recently in Italy and Kenya, with the latter resulting in seven deaths.  Racism was originally suspected, but hooligans from opposing teams say it’s the lack of action, not race, that has them upset.

Cycling:

Alberto Contador is contemplating retirement no matter the outcome of the allegations that he was biologically enhanced for his 2010 Tour de France victory.  Contador said it just won’t be the same if he can’t cheat to win.

Richard Petty Glad Kasey Kahne Gone

NASCAR's King, Richard Petty says he is glad Kasey Kahne left Richard Petty Motorsports earlier this week.  Kahne and RPM decided to part ways Wednesday on the heels of Kahne's blow up last Saturday in Charlotte.  Kahne crashed, citing failed brakes, threw up, and did not finish the race despite the car being repaired.  Kahne said he was too ill and was tired of continues brake failures.

A few days later Kahne and RPM decided to part ways.  Kahne immediately went to Red Bull Racing, for whom he had already signed to race for in 2011, for the final five races of 2010. 

Richard Petty, co-owner of RPM and a product of NASCAR's Southern roots did not seem to mind losing Kahne.  "I ain't losing any sleep over Kasey going to Red Bull.  Shit, look at him.  He looks like a damn sissy and kd lang.  That ain't easy neither cuz she looks like a damn man.  I'm surprised Kasey didn't ask us to change his Dodge for a damn convertible bug."

Colts Punter Says He Wanted To Prove He Is Just Like Other Players & Inspire Kids

In an exclusive interview with Semi-Accurate Sports Report, Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee said his arrest Wednesday for a drunken swim in an Indianapolis canal was part of a two pronged plan.

"I was tired of hearing that punters and kickers aren't real football players or athletes," McAfee said.  "I wanted to show the world that we are just like the other players.  I'm not much on guns, steroids, or punching women, but I do love me some beer.  Oh man, oh man, do I love beer!  I also wanted to show kids that punters are athletes.  After giving it a lot of thought for five or ten minutes, I decided to get hammered and swim in the canal. I figured the public drunkenness would show I'm like the other players and the swimming would maybe motivate some kids."

To his credit, McAfee's strong .15% blood-alcohol content and subsequent swim showed that punters can handle their liquor and still perform at an elite athletic level.

Whether or not McAfee's plan works in totality remains to be seen.  Early indications are that at least one part of the plan is working.  McAfee is the fourth Colt to be arrested on alcohol related charges this year.  The other three players' names aren't important, because only their families and friends have heard of them. While most teammates appreciate McAfee's attempt to be a normal player, some do not think he did enough.

"Look, we're all human, we all make mistakes and we'd all like to take something back that we did," running back Joseph Addai said. "It's what you do afterward that makes the difference. I'm sure if Pat could go back in time he would have tried to fight the cops, gotten tased, or been naked.  Just telling the cops that you're drunk and not doing nothing else?  That's just weak and that's why punters aren't real football players."

October 15-18 Wrap-Up

Mixed Martial Arts:

UFC ring girl, Arianny Celeste is in the November issue of Playboy. The UFC has subsequently postponed all events for the next two months so fighters’ forearms and hands will have time to heal.

College Football:

Auburn and Arkansas both forget to bring defenses to game.  Coaches vow they will be more vigilant in future, hire Macaulay Culkin to ensure defenses aren't left home alone again.

Kentucky beats South Carolina; shocking people that didn’t even know Kentucky had a football team.

Notre Dame make case for BCS bowl bid due to its daunting schedule with home win over Western Michigan.

NFL:

Panthers QB Jimmy Clausen only sacked six times Panthers bye week

Alleged serial sexual assault machine Ben Roethlisberger returns during the NFL’s breast cancer awareness month.  Big Ben said he hopes to atone for his mistakes by participating hands-on in screenings

Andy Reid continues the Eagles quarterback guessing game by signing Norm Van Brocklin.  Van Brocklin, who died in 1983, was unavailable for comment.

Tim Tebow scores first touchdown scuttling Urban Meyer's plan to seek extra year of eligibility

Junior Seau starts stunt driving career

Baseball Playoffs:

TV executives agree Yankees must be in World Series for ratings to be a success because people do not own televisions outside of New York.

Cycling:

Lance Armstrong announced he is going to be a father for the fifth time.  Critics speculate performance enhancing drugs were used.

Favre To Start This Sunday

Vikings fans can breathe easier.  "Favre" will be on the back of the Minnesota Vikings starting quarterback's jersey for this weekend's pivotal game against Dallas.  It just may not be the Favre fans are used to seeing.

In a surprise move, the Minnesota Vikings have signed Brett Favre's wife, Deanna, for the rest of the season.  The decision to sign her was based on this throw that she delivered to her husband during Vikings' practice on Thursday: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONSR_45O-dc.

Brad Childress, the Vikings head coach, praised Mrs. Favre's arm strength and accuracy. "If Brett's elbow won't let him go, then, I think, we have a great Plan B, or Queen B if you will, in Deanna.  The ball she hit Brett with was delivered from about forty yards out.  She threw it with pinpoint accuracy and with a lot of zip.  Deanna should be fine on go routes to Randy [Moss] and slants with Percy [Harvin]."

Childress did not let on if he was worried about the passing game suffering with someone so new playing quarterback.  "I'm not really worried about interceptions.  You've seen who we normally have back there.  I love Tavaris Jackson, but he isn't really very accurate, so yes, I really think Deanna can help us win if she plays."

When asked about the prospect of playing, Mrs. Favre only said she hoped for lots of shotgun formations instead of traditional sets.

Davis & Baddour Vow To Fix UNC Football

North Carolina head football coach Butch Davis and Athletic Director Dick Baddour spoke candidly about the problems facing their football team.  The two known problems, agent contact with players and possible academic fraud, are what is at least known and may torpedo a program on the rise.

The agent problem is a bigger issue than the alleged academic fraud, according to Davis.  “I don’t want it to seem like I take the situation [with the tutor] lightly, even though I do.  I’ll pretend to be as upset as anyone, but, frankly, I am disappointed.  I’m disappointed because these guys turned in work that was way better than what they normally did.  I told them ‘Guys, just get a C.  That's all you need.  Don’t get greedy and go for an A or B.  All you need is a C’.  Unfortunately they did not listen”.

Former assistant coach and number one recruiter John Blake has been a focal point in agent/player/improper benefit controversy.  Davis told members of the media, including this reporter, that he did not know North Carolina’s players were so highly coveted.  “This program has had some great players.  Lawrence Taylor and Julius Peppers are two that come to mind.  But for the most part our players haven’t been that good.  Even though I’m the head coach and even though I authorize all the scholarship offers and even though I scouted our players too, I did not know our guys were NFL caliber.  Sure, I was an NFL coach, but it was the Browns and you couldn't really call those players NFL caliber”

When asked what was next for the program, Davis and Baddour said it is a matter of trust and putting steps in place so a similar incident does not occur.  Davis made it clear his main thing is trust.  “The problem is that I trusted John Blake.  I trusted him to make sure he covered up the trips, watches, earrings, flowers, dinners, and movies our guys were getting.  He just didn’t do a good enough job covering his tracks and now its hurting me, the team, the program, and the fans”.

Baddour said he has spoken with experts about how to solve the problem.  “We identified people that have successfully dealt with similar situations.  Going forward we will be consulting with Pete Carroll and John Calipari.  Pete’s expertise in dealing with agents and keeping things covered up until they are long past will be an invaluable tool in helping us better ensure our student athletes can receive improper benefits.  We think Pete will get us to the point where our student athletes and their families receive cars and homes like PAC 10 and SEC schools instead of just jewelry and trips.  John’s ability stands on its own merit.  His continued ability to knowingly help student athletes obtain bogus grades and escape punishment is renown throughout college athletics.  We realize that UMass became a shell of a program upon his departure and that most of his accomplishments at Memphis have been vacated, but he has continually escaped punishment.  John really knows what he is doing when it comes to academics.  I can point to his work at Kentucky, where it is obvious that Coach Calipari has implemented his creative ways.  I am confident Pete and John will comport the wisdom upon our and show us the proper way to conduct our illicit actions.  I am truly excited about our football program's future once the inevitable sanctions are lifted." 

Week or So In Review (October 7-10)

College Football

After being throttled 48-13 at home by Nebraska, Kansas State’s coach Bill Snyder’s family asked to have their names removed from Bill Snyder Family Stadium.

Nebraska QB Taylor Martinez entered the Heisman Trophy race with 241 rushing yards and four rushing touchdowns in a 48-13 victory over Kansas State. Martinez was also 5-7 passing for 128 yards and a touchdown.  When asked if he thought his low amount of pass attempts would hurt his chances of winning the trophy, a puzzled Martinez responded, “Quarterbacks normally throw or hand off?  I just thought those were just trick plays coach was calling.”

           

            Duke halted its losing streak by not playing.

            Steve Spurrier’s ego beat Nick Saban’s ego.

Cycling

Alberto Contador reached strike three in his bid to retain the 2010 Tour de France title and his clean reputation.  Strike one was a positive test for clenbuterol, which Contador claimed was from ingesting tainted meat (that’s what she said).  Strike two was the unusually high amount of plastic in his urine, supposedly from IV blood doping.  Strike three is the most damning allegation to date.  Evidence has now surfaced that Contador rode a Tomos moped during the 2010 tour’s mountain stages.  Contador maintained his innocence by saying he has never had a DUI, therefore he has no need for a moped.

NFL:

Reports surfaced Thursday that Brett Favre sent “racy” photos and texts to a Jets employee while with the team in 2008.  Minnesota Viking mascot now says Favre also sent him sexually explicit photos and texts messages.  The Semi Accurate Sports Report has obtained one such message.

           

“UR Ntense.  Lets huddle and cuddle sumtime.  PS I like bikes 2.”

           

More on this story as it develops.

Redskins beat the Packers in overtime on Mike Shannahan Tan Day.  Fans get free pass to DC Area tanning bed of their choice.

Detroit Lions win.  In related news, Hell froze over.

Aaron Rodgers ($13 million 2010 salary) met with Green Bay Packers fans ($74.33 average ticket price, $38,820 median household income) to support the NFL Players Association in their quest to get gain more of the league’s revenue.  Rodgers told the fans, “Look, we’re fighting for our families and livelihoods.  Sure, we get to travel to places you’ll never see and eat food you’ll never eat, and yeah, we make more per game than you do a whole year, but after buying a bunch of pimped out $100,000 cars and multiple homes that are way too big for any one family, it’s hard to provide our families the necessities we need to live.”

Arm Wrestling:

            Sylvester Stallone’s hat found to have performance enhancing drugs.  United Arm Wrestling Federation strips him of his title from Over The Top.

Tiger Woods Teaches Kids

Ladies man and golfer extraordinaire Tiger Woods visited Washington, DC yesterday for the opening of two Tiger Woods Learning Centers.  One center focuses on video and film production.  The other is centered around science and engineering.  The centers, located on high school campuses, had the students ready to learn. 

Tom Bryant, a senior at Elmwood High, raved about the centers and what Woods had to say.  "Oh man, this is so great!  The video and film center is my favorite.  Tiger showed us some really creative ways to make a sex tape without the chicks knowing.  He showed us some advanced techniques to get girls too.  I can't wait to put into action what I've learned.  I'm really gonna knock it out next year at college!"

Scott Dowell, another Elmwood senior, was equally excited.  "I'm equally excited," said Dowell.

In what appears to be a related matter, Church & Dwight, the manufacturer of Trojan brand condoms, announced plans to build a nearby factory.

Rawlings Asks Reds To Return Gold Gloves

The National League Divisional Series isn't getting any better for the Cincinnati Reds.  First, they forgot to swing at any pitches as Roy Halladay threw a no hitter.  Last night they committed four errors to let the Phillies extend innings and erase a 4-0 deficit.  Now Rawlings is joining in pounding on the Reds.

On the heels of the four error game, Rawlings has asked Brandon Phillips and Scott Rolen to return their Golden Gloves.  They also said Jay Bruce will not be considered in future Gold Glove award discussions. Jeff Rountree, VP Marketing for Rawlings, said in a prepared statement that "Rawlings takes the Golden Gloves award very seriously.  We expect our winners to exhibit the utmost in skill and to play like professionals.  While there is no shame in not winning the award consecutively, there is shame in playing like a bunch of mooks.  We want our recipients to be proud of the award, but we don't mean for them actually wear them during games."

When told of the news, Phillips, a 2008 winner, said Rawlings would have to work it out with his wife.  "Man, my wife loves that trophy.  She likes her nachos and that gold glove is one bitchin' guacamole holder.  She ain't gonna give it up easy".  Seven time winner Rolen was a bit more defiant.  "Tough titty said the kitty when the milk went dry.  I had three of them melted down to make this rockin' medallion and sold the rest to Cash 4 Gold."

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=5664288&categoryid=2521705

The Red look to rebound with Jonny Cueto (12-7) on Sunday,but it won't be easy.  Philadelphia will start Cole Hamels (12-11).  This reporter has not decided whether or not he will cover the game.  After all, baseball is pretty boring.

Favre's Calling Circle - There's Something About Jenn

Earlier this week, Deadspin.com reported that Brett Farve sent "racy" text messages and photos to former Jets game hostess Jenn Sterger while he played for the Jets.  Favre's response to the report was, "I'm not getting into that."  Ironically that is exactly what Sterger told the then Jets QB.  This reporter has learned Sterger's exact words were, "Brett, you're not getting into that." 

Phil Reese, Sterger's manager, strongly denied that Sterger had any involvement in the story becoming a story.  Reese told this reporter, "Deadspin did not offer Jenn enough money to make this non-newsworthy item news.  We were set to go with TMZ due to their expertise at hyperbole and hype.  Unfortunately, someone got these photos first."

The Semi Accurate Sports Report will continue to follow this story until something more interesting comes along.