Donovan McNabb "Disrespected"; Redskins Fans Agree

During his radio show on Tuesday, recently demoted Redskins quarterback Donovan McNabb said he felt disrespected by the way his situation was handled.  McNabb said it was also a disrespect to the team.

Al Pavlowich, a longtime fixture at Redskins games, agreed with McNabb.  "I feel disrespected too", said Pavlowich, a Chevy Chase based insurance salesman.  "With the exception of one year, the Redskins haven't been worth a shit since 1992.  For 18 frigging years we have been putting up with old players being signed to insane contracts that mortgaged the team's future ability to develop through the draft, high dollar coaches that had ever never were or had lost the will to compete, a former Cowboy as head coach, and some of the league's highest ticket prices.  So to have our team continually do this year after year is mind boggling.  The Eagles are in our division for crying out loud.  Why the hell do you think they traded McNabb to us?  They knew he sucked.  That's why.  If he was so damn good in the first place they never would have traded him to a division rival in the first place!"

Murray Grunkell, one of the original Hogettes, agreed with Pavlowich.  "I used to really enjoy dressing in drag as a pig-man hybrid.  But the level of disrespect this team has shown the fans makes me want to hang myself with my game day mu-mu."  Grunkell, who works as a Mongolian translator for DC area Pic'N'Pays said he is considering switching over to the Ravens.  "I have a really sweet bird outfit, complete with a really big pecker, so I think the transition would be easy."

Week 13 Preview

Here are the things that will impact how this week’s games will turn out:

Cleveland vs. Miami: Cleveland has the big head after winning last week’s practice game against the Panthers.  Peyton Hillis is a certified stud, but Miami will win and Snowflake will still be safe.

San Francisco vs. Green Bay: 49ers coach Mike Singletary returns to Lambeau Field, where the former Bears great used to terrorize subpar Packers teams.   This time the shoe is on the other foot, as Green Bay is good and the 49ers not so much.  Although San Francisco has played better with the right Smith, Troy, not Alex, the smart money is on Green Bay.     

Denver vs. Kansas City: Revenge Game!  After Denver blitzed Kansas City 49-29 in Week 10, Kansas City coach Todd Hailey refused to shake the hand of Denver coach Josh McDaniels.  Prevailing wisdom at the time was Hailey was angry with McDaniels for running up the score.  The truth came to light the week as Hailey told reporters why he pointedly refused the handshake.  “McDaniels doesn’t wash his hands after he uses the bathroom.  That is unsanitary and a great way to spread germs, especially during cold and flu season.” Hailey and the Chiefs will both the germs and the Broncos.

You need to wash your hands, McDaniels!  You're a grown ass man for crying out loud.

Buffalo vs. Minnesota: Buffalo has won two games, been forced to play a game in Canada, and has a wide receiver that blamed God for a dropped pass that would have been a game ending touchdown against Pittsburgh.  Minnesota has a coach with a girl’s name, a running back with a girl’s name, and a quarterback that throws a lot of interceptions.  Minnesota’s troubles would normally be enough to lose.  However, God is still pissed about Steve Johnson blaming him for a dropped pass.  Expect Minnesota to get all Old Testament on Buffalo.

Chicago vs. Detroit:  Chicago is in first place.  Detroit is in last place.  DeAngelo Hall plays for the Redskins, not the Detroit Lions, so Jay Cutler can rest easy.  Chicago wins.

Jacksonville vs. Tennessee:  Last week Tennessee’s Cortland Finnegan kissed his NFL career goodbye.  Getting whooped by Andre Johnson isn’t what did it.  Smiling and clapping his hands like he didn’t get whooped when everyone, including him, knows he got whopped but was trying to draw attention away from the fact he got whooped is what ruined his career.  Jacksonville’s tough guy coach Jack Del Rio will make sure the Jags exploit this newly found weak link.

Washington vs. New York Giants: New York will win this one.  They will run it straight up Washington’s gut.  That is, the massive gut of Albert Haynesworth, who will have five pastrami hoagies and no tackles while Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw run wild.

New Orleans vs. Cincinnati: Cincinnati had a football team?  Go figure.  Saints over the Bungles.

Oakland vs. San Diego: A battle of what seems to be underachieving team that is coming on strong and an overachieving team that is cooling off.  How can this be and why was the preceding sentence ended with a preposition?  I don’t know either answer, but I do know nerds are taking over the world.  This trend continues as Norv “The Nerd” Turner’s Chargers take the win.

Atlanta vs. Tampa Bay: An albatross once caused a mariner trouble.  This time it is birds of a different feather in the Falcons looking to cause trouble for a different type of sea farers in the Buccaneers.  A buccaneer is a sissy way of saying pirate.  Pirates are supposed shoot cannons and guns and be mean.  All the football experts say Atlanta is the best team in the NFC.  This non-expert says this has made the Falcons cocky and that they will lose to Tampa Bay.

Carolina vs. Seattle:  Seahawks aren’t scavengers, but they will be this week as the pick at what’s left of Carolina’s carcass.  Seattle wins and the remaining Panthers are euthanized despite PETA’s protests.

St. Louis vs. Arizona: This week Arizona quarterback Derek Anderson worked his ass off and was extra serious about sucking the best he could suck.  He also worked on his pretend to be mad acting skills.  The problem for Arizona is that Anderson did not work on his football skills.  St. Louis head butts Arizona to another loss.

Dallas vs. Indianapolis: Lately on argument can be made that the horseshoe logo on Peyton Manning’s helmet is from getting pulverized by opposing players.  Dallas is playing well after tanking on Wade Phillips the first eight games.  Cowboys normally ride colts, but Peyton Manning is on the record as liking crappy country music – but isn’t most country music crappy nowadays? What does that have to do with this game?  It means the Colts save a horse and ride the Cowboys.

Pittsburgh vs. Baltimore: A good old fashioned slug fest.  Tough defenses, intense coaches, and genuine dislike.  If you don’t like these kinds of games, let me encapsulate it for you: The Ravens will knife through Pittsburgh’s offensive line much like the same way Ray Lewis helped knife through Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar in January 2000.  Ben Roethlisberger will hold onto the ball too long.  John Harbaugh and Mike Tomlin will scare players and officials with their steely glares.  Baltimore will win in a hard fought game.

New York Jets vs. New England: Reports came out this week that Tom Brady is growing his hair long because he is losing his hair.  This is referred to as the Hulk Hogan Hairdo.  “Maybe if I grow it long enough they won’t notice I’m bald.”  Rex Ryan had a lap band put on his stomach and he is still fat.  I don’t know what that is called.  This game is, however, for first place in the AFC East.  The winner also moves into first place in the entire AFC.   The Jets starting wide receivers have been arrested for drunk driving and pot, respectively.  Tom Brady is married to a super model.  Mark Sanchez designed t-shirts for the Jets training camp.  The Jets most famous fan is some guy in a fireman’s hat.  The Patriots most famous fan is Ozzy Osbourne.  None of what was previously written will have any bearing on the game unless Braylon Edwards or Santonio Holmes drives New York’s bus to the stadium. The Jets won the first one, but the Patriots win this one.

Jake Delhomme Responsible For Yet Another Panthers Loss & Other Football News

Jake Delhomme was up to his old tricks again, as he was responsible for another Panthers loss Sunday.  Delhomme exhibited his tendency to let the opposing team back in the game by throwing bad interceptions, including the pick six by Captain Munnerlyn.  After the game Delhomme, who is one of the game's nicer guys, said, "Man, it sure feels great to get a win!  I was kind of confused for a while because I am so used to playing for [the Panthers] and I'm used to throwing to the other team.  During the whole game I felt like I was still on Carolina.  That's why I hadn't thrown any picks.  When the second half started, I still thought I was on the Panthers and realized that was who I needed to throw the ball to.  When [Carolina] got that touchdown I was like, 'Alright!', but Peyton Hillis smacked me upside the head and told me to throw it to the guys in the brown shirts.  So I just pretended I was on the Panthers again so I would throw it to the other team, which in this case is my team.  The Browns."

When asked if this win felt any different, Delhomme said, "No, but hopefully the fans in Charlotte realize it wasn't my fault after all."

In Other NFL News:

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson dropped what would have been a game winning touchdown pass during overtime of Buffalo's 19-16 loss to Pittsburgh.  After the game, Johnson tweeted that the drop was God's fault.  God tweeted back: "OMI!  ROTFLMAO at your butterfingers!  O yeah U R going 2 Hell now."

Norv Turner's unconventional plan to go ahead and get all the losses over with at the beginning of the season, close strong to make the playoffs is once again working to perfection.  The San Diego beat Indianapolis to stay one game back of Kansas City in the AFC West.  The Chargers' win also helped create a four team log jam for the final playoff spot with five games to go.

Speaking of Indianapolis, Peyton Manning struggled for the second straight game.  Against New England last week, Manning threw three interceptions.  Last night San Diego intercepted Manning four times, returning two for touchdowns.  Asked about his Vinny Testaverdeesque performance, Manning blamed the bad games on the movie Megamind.  "I've been doing a lot of promotional work with the movie and it has taken a lot of time that I normally devote to football.  Being the star of the movie is a lot of fun, but I need to get back to football."



Peyton Manning as Megamind (above) and at the 2009 Pro Bowl (below)



Major League Baseball's Shocking Hire

Bob Watson, Vice President of Discipline for Major League Baseball, announced that he will retire at year end.  Moving quickly to replace Watson, Major League Baseball has hired well known Lower East Side dominatrix Miss Jacqueline.  In a Semi-Accurate Sports Report exclusive, this reporter sat down with Miss Jacqueline.

SASR: Miss Jacqueline, will you implement any changes to Mr. Watson's platform?

MJ: Silence Worm!  You only speak when I tell you to speak.

SASR: Written note to Miss Jacqueline asking for permission to speak.

MJ: Worm, you may now speak.

SASR: Miss Jacqueline, back to my first question.  Will you increase any of the current punishment standards?

MJ: Yes my little worm.  In addition to the normal suspensions, those naughty little men must wear nipple clamps, get spanked, and play games wearing a ball gag.

SASR: That sounds a little extreme.  Do you think families will attend games if the players are sporting those types of, um, fashion accessories?

MJ: Discipline is necessary and oh so good.  Our players will behave or they will have to deal with me and Woody.

At this point Miss Jacqueline scared me so I left lickity split.  This report will share any other made-up news as it is created.



Don't make this woman angry.



The LOL & Karma Wrap-Up Edition (11/8 - 11/15)

College Basketball:

Wake Forest fired its wildly popular basketball coach because he had not won any ACC Championships during his short tenure and because he won as many NCAA Championships as every other Wake Forest hoops coach before him: zero.  Athletic Director Ron Wellman hired his longtime friend Jeff Bzdelik to replace Dino Gaudio.  How did it go?  Ask Karma.  Coach Bzdelik became the first Wake Forest coach in 77 years to lose his inaugural game.  Wake's opponent, Stetson, was 7-22 last year and was picked to finish 10th in their 11 team league.  It was also the first home opener loss ever for Wake since they moved to the Joel Coliseum. Guess you should have kept Dino, Ron.  LOL!  Oh yeah, Wake's starting point guard broke his foot and is out for 8-10 weeks. 

Well known shyster John Calipari recruited European professional Enes Kanter to play at Kentucky.  Calipari thought everything was okay since no grades had to be changed.  Thankfully someone at the NCAA was paying attention and ruled the player ineligible.  Given Calipari's record, this is LOL. Of course Calipari is still raking in millions while the kid is SOL.

Soccer:

Former President and soccer expert Bill Clinton is trying to help the United States land the 2022 World Cup.  Although 90% of Americans couldn't care less about soccer, some folks are determined to use tax payer dollars to bring the game stateside.  When asked why he was acting as Honorary Director of the U.S. 2022 World Cup Candidacy since May 2010, Clinton smiled and said, "I hear they got a couple of beret lovin' Jewish girls on the selection committee."




NFL:

Kansas City coach Todd Haley refused to shake Denver coach Josh McDaniels' hand after losing 49-29.  Our state-of-the-art audio equipment was there to capture the sounds:




Haley: Gimme five! Up high! Down low, too slow!


Jacksonville beat Houston after Mike Thomas caught a ball that Houston's Glover Quin tried to knock down as he had been taught.  After the game Quin said, " Sorry coach.  I guess I should have caught it instead.  LOL!"

After costing Wade Phillips his job, Dallas woke up to beat the Giants 33-20.  Dallas receiver Miles Austin told reports, "I guess we had this in us all along.  Sorry Wade. LOL!"

Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco are "me first" players.  How does Karma feel?  Both are having solid years.  Owens has 59 receptions for 834 yards and 7 touchdowns.  Ochocinco has 47/559/3.  Of course their team is 2-7 with six straight loses.

Philadelphia destroyed Washington 59-28 Monday night as Karma ran wild. As you know, Washington sent NFL pundits into an orgasmic orbit during the off season by making Mike Shanahan head coach and trading for perennially unloved Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.  In Week 4, the Redskins beat the aforementioned Eagles.  McNabb celebrated that win and referenced his trade from Philadelphia by saying, "Everybody makes mistakes in their lifetime, and they made one last year."  Oh, Karma did not like that.  Since then Washington is 2-3, including a loss to Detroit in which McNabb was pulled because Rex Grossman knew the 2 minute offense better and/or McNabb was not in good enough shape to run the 2 minute offense (side note: the 'Skins then brought in 300 lb JaMarcus Russell for a workout; how out of shape could McNabb be?). 

Karma has not forgotten Michael Vick either.  Let's take a Karmatic stroll, shall we?  Coming out of college and early in his pro career, Micheal Vick was sending NFL wags into a, you guessed it, orgasmic orbit.  Despite being wildly inaccurate, Vick was being hailed as one of the greatest players.  Vick didn't help matters by repeatedly separating his shoulder from self-congratulatory back patting.  Then Karma stepped in.  She dealt a broken leg, disintegrating fan support, declining numbers, the Ron Mexico incident, flipping off the Atlanta fans, and jail time.  Since serving time for his dog fighting ring, Karma has been on Vick's side. Vick never killed people lick Donte Stallworth and Leonard Little, but fans continue to dislike Vick, so Karma has seen him play lights out this year.  Last night in Washington, Vick threw for 333 yards and four touchdowns, and accounted for six total touchdowns.  Of course whatever Karmatic goodwill Vick had went right out the window when he said, "I've had some great games in my day, but I don't think I've had one quite like this one."  Micheal Vick, expect to see Karma or her cousins Poetic Justice or Irony sometime soon.

College Football:

Cam Newton's dad offers Georgia $1 coupons to Qboda in exchange for letting Auburn win.

Wisconsin hits ten three pointers and scores 47 points in the paint during 83-20 win over Indiana.  Asked about the collapse of his defense, Indiana coach Bill Lynch simply said, "LOL!"

Breaking News: NFL Record Set

For the first time in the storied history of the NFL, three entire teams have been listed as doubtful for their games.  The Panthers, Cowboys, and Bills are all listed as doubtful for tomorrow's games.  Panthers coach John Fox said, "It is what it is," when asked about the doubtful listing.  When pressed about what was what is, Coach Fox responded "it" was what it was.  The Semi Accurate Sports Report will stay tuned for any further developments.

The Wrap 11/5 - 11/8

College Football:

TCU demolished Utah to earn a spot opposite Boise State in the BCS Screw You Bowl.  The lesser known of the BCS bowls will be played at Mennen Sports Arena in Morristown, NJ.

SEC powerhouse Auburn showed that the SEC plays top competition every week by defeating Chattanooga 62-24. 

College Basketball:

Despite having exhausted his eligibility in 2008, NC State's Gavin Grant leads the nation in steals.
http://abclocal.go.com/wtvd/story?section=news/local&id=7767702&rss=rss-wtvd-article-7767702
When asked about his new found ability to penetrate seemingly secure areas, Grant took the fifth, and we ain't talking fouls either.
Division II Indianapolis beat Tennessee 79-64 in Knoxville.  Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl was contrite after the game and vowed a stronger performance.  "I take full responsibility for this loss, even if it is an exhibition game," said Pearl.  "Moving forward, I am going to do my best to make our fans forget about this game.  This program is about about me and you can rest assured that I will do some things to draw as much attention to myself instead of the seeming lack of structure with which my teams play." 

Virginia Tech is one of the teams generating lots of attention this year.  Coach Seth Greenberg said he expects this year to result in the Hokies biggest NCAA snub yet.

Michigan State is a trendy pick (again) to win the national championship.  This reporter will go out on a limb and say this will not happen until Greco-Roman wrestling and decapitation are no longer called as fouls.


NASCAR:

Denny Hamlin won AMP Energy Juice 500 at Texas Motor Speedway.  Hamlin's win vaulted him into first place in the Chase for the Sprint Cup, thereby delighting sports writers and sports casters everywhere.

An angry Jeff Gordon accosted Jeff Burton after the latter Jeff wrecked the former.  The Rainbow Warrior was still angry after the on track confrontation.  "I think I broke a nail.  It hurts really bad!" said a visibly upset Gordon.

Would you scuffle with this man?

NBA:

LeBron James and Nike unveiled the "What Should I Do?" commercial.  The two most popular answers are Stop Being A Dick (54%) and Nix The Christ-Like References (37%).


NFL:

Panthers QB Matt Moore is out for the rest of the season with a torn labrum.  An emotional Moore said, "Thank Goodness for small miracles.  This is the best day of my professional career."

Philadelphia beat Indianapolis 26-24 in a hard fought battle.  Philadelphia quarterback Michael Vick played for the first time since suffering a rib injury October 3.  The game was delayed for several minutes during the second quarter after Colts receiver Austin Collie took a vicious hit from Kurt Coleman.  Collie, who was taken off via a stretcher, had movement in his extremities and is expected to make a full recovery.  Asked about his thoughts on the game and his 218 passing yards with a TD and 74 rushing yards performance, Vick said, "Oh man, this is a big win for us.  Anytime you play Peyton Manning and a team like the Colts its big.  I've been working like a dog to get healthy and help my team win, so, yeah, this is huge.  Our defense played like pit bulls out there today and really helped put us in good field position.  I'm glad that Austin Collie is okay too.  Collie's aren't normally known as fighters, so him being okay is great."

Sebastian Janikowski put down his beer and bratwurst to kick a game tying 41 yard field goal at the end of regulation and a game winning 33 yard field goal 2:53 into overtime to propel the Raiders over the Chiefs.  The 23-20 victory put the Raiders 1/2 game behind the AFC West leading Chiefs.

The Detroit Lions continued their fifty year practical joke against their fans.  The Lions led the Jets 20-10 with just over two minutes to play, but wound up losing in overtime 23-20.  After the game, the Lions sent the following message to the Facebook fans:     "Thought we'd win today, huh?  LOL!"

Following an 0-7 start, the NFL exiled the Buffalo Bills to Toronto for their game against Chicago.  The change of venue did not help as Chicago won 22-19.  Following the loss, Canada barred Buffalo, Dallas, and Carolina from playing any other games in their country.  The NFL is working to schedule the Three Stooges of Football's next games in international waters.

The Wrap Oct. 22 - 24

NFL:

The Oakland Raiders 59-14 destruction of the Denver Broncos appears to be an elaborate hoax.  NFL officials are investigating reports that the Raiders actually played Denver’s Lakewood High School – the Tigers, in case you’re scoring at home – instead of the Broncos.  Sources close to the investigation, but not authorized to speak, say members of the Tigers changed the Bronco’s itinerary to make it seem they had a Monday night game.  Trey Cunningham, Lakewood’s quarterback, had no comment other than, “If we did do that, and I’m not saying we did, it was an epic fail.  It’s all good anyway dude.  We’re 6-1-1 and have a gift game against Grand Junction Central this weekend.”  Raiders coach Tom Cable said he does not care who they played.  “Mr. Davis says, ‘Just Win Baby’ and that’s exactly what we did.”

Kenny Britt caught seven passes for 225 yards and three touchdowns in Tennessee’s 37-19 victory of Philadelphia.  Britt was held out of the first quarter for his involvement in a bar fight early Friday morning.  While discussing his performance after the game, Britt said he now plans to get in a bar fight every week.

It was like old times in Green Bay Sunday night.  Brett Favre threw three interceptions as his team lost in the final minutes.

College Football:

            Virginia Tech beat Duke’s intramural football team

Boise State, TCU, and Utah release a joint statement upon being ranked 3, 5, and 8, respectively, in the latest BCS rankings.  “We are pleased with the recognition of our student-athletes’ hard work and on-field accomplishments.  Hopefully the BCS will remember this and at least kiss us before screwing us when the national championship game and the other BCS games are scheduled.”

Mixed Martial Arts:

Cain Velasquez scored a first round TKO over for Brock Lesnar to win the UFC heavyweight championship.  The action packed first round was even until referee Herb Dean was distracted by Jimmy “Mouth of The South” Hart.  Lesnar took the opportunity to try hitting Velasquez with a chair.  Velasquez turned around a split second before receiving a certain cranial smashing and kicked Lesnar in the stomach.  As Lesnar bent over and remained still, Lesnar administered a victory sealing DDT.

Soccer:

European and African soccer officials are dealing with an increased hooliganism.  Fans have rioted recently in Italy and Kenya, with the latter resulting in seven deaths.  Racism was originally suspected, but hooligans from opposing teams say it’s the lack of action, not race, that has them upset.

Cycling:

Alberto Contador is contemplating retirement no matter the outcome of the allegations that he was biologically enhanced for his 2010 Tour de France victory.  Contador said it just won’t be the same if he can’t cheat to win.

Richard Petty Glad Kasey Kahne Gone

NASCAR's King, Richard Petty says he is glad Kasey Kahne left Richard Petty Motorsports earlier this week.  Kahne and RPM decided to part ways Wednesday on the heels of Kahne's blow up last Saturday in Charlotte.  Kahne crashed, citing failed brakes, threw up, and did not finish the race despite the car being repaired.  Kahne said he was too ill and was tired of continues brake failures.

A few days later Kahne and RPM decided to part ways.  Kahne immediately went to Red Bull Racing, for whom he had already signed to race for in 2011, for the final five races of 2010. 

Richard Petty, co-owner of RPM and a product of NASCAR's Southern roots did not seem to mind losing Kahne.  "I ain't losing any sleep over Kasey going to Red Bull.  Shit, look at him.  He looks like a damn sissy and kd lang.  That ain't easy neither cuz she looks like a damn man.  I'm surprised Kasey didn't ask us to change his Dodge for a damn convertible bug."

Colts Punter Says He Wanted To Prove He Is Just Like Other Players & Inspire Kids

In an exclusive interview with Semi-Accurate Sports Report, Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee said his arrest Wednesday for a drunken swim in an Indianapolis canal was part of a two pronged plan.

"I was tired of hearing that punters and kickers aren't real football players or athletes," McAfee said.  "I wanted to show the world that we are just like the other players.  I'm not much on guns, steroids, or punching women, but I do love me some beer.  Oh man, oh man, do I love beer!  I also wanted to show kids that punters are athletes.  After giving it a lot of thought for five or ten minutes, I decided to get hammered and swim in the canal. I figured the public drunkenness would show I'm like the other players and the swimming would maybe motivate some kids."

To his credit, McAfee's strong .15% blood-alcohol content and subsequent swim showed that punters can handle their liquor and still perform at an elite athletic level.

Whether or not McAfee's plan works in totality remains to be seen.  Early indications are that at least one part of the plan is working.  McAfee is the fourth Colt to be arrested on alcohol related charges this year.  The other three players' names aren't important, because only their families and friends have heard of them. While most teammates appreciate McAfee's attempt to be a normal player, some do not think he did enough.

"Look, we're all human, we all make mistakes and we'd all like to take something back that we did," running back Joseph Addai said. "It's what you do afterward that makes the difference. I'm sure if Pat could go back in time he would have tried to fight the cops, gotten tased, or been naked.  Just telling the cops that you're drunk and not doing nothing else?  That's just weak and that's why punters aren't real football players."

October 15-18 Wrap-Up

Mixed Martial Arts:

UFC ring girl, Arianny Celeste is in the November issue of Playboy. The UFC has subsequently postponed all events for the next two months so fighters’ forearms and hands will have time to heal.

College Football:

Auburn and Arkansas both forget to bring defenses to game.  Coaches vow they will be more vigilant in future, hire Macaulay Culkin to ensure defenses aren't left home alone again.

Kentucky beats South Carolina; shocking people that didn’t even know Kentucky had a football team.

Notre Dame make case for BCS bowl bid due to its daunting schedule with home win over Western Michigan.

NFL:

Panthers QB Jimmy Clausen only sacked six times Panthers bye week

Alleged serial sexual assault machine Ben Roethlisberger returns during the NFL’s breast cancer awareness month.  Big Ben said he hopes to atone for his mistakes by participating hands-on in screenings

Andy Reid continues the Eagles quarterback guessing game by signing Norm Van Brocklin.  Van Brocklin, who died in 1983, was unavailable for comment.

Tim Tebow scores first touchdown scuttling Urban Meyer's plan to seek extra year of eligibility

Junior Seau starts stunt driving career

Baseball Playoffs:

TV executives agree Yankees must be in World Series for ratings to be a success because people do not own televisions outside of New York.

Cycling:

Lance Armstrong announced he is going to be a father for the fifth time.  Critics speculate performance enhancing drugs were used.

Favre To Start This Sunday

Vikings fans can breathe easier.  "Favre" will be on the back of the Minnesota Vikings starting quarterback's jersey for this weekend's pivotal game against Dallas.  It just may not be the Favre fans are used to seeing.

In a surprise move, the Minnesota Vikings have signed Brett Favre's wife, Deanna, for the rest of the season.  The decision to sign her was based on this throw that she delivered to her husband during Vikings' practice on Thursday: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONSR_45O-dc.

Brad Childress, the Vikings head coach, praised Mrs. Favre's arm strength and accuracy. "If Brett's elbow won't let him go, then, I think, we have a great Plan B, or Queen B if you will, in Deanna.  The ball she hit Brett with was delivered from about forty yards out.  She threw it with pinpoint accuracy and with a lot of zip.  Deanna should be fine on go routes to Randy [Moss] and slants with Percy [Harvin]."

Childress did not let on if he was worried about the passing game suffering with someone so new playing quarterback.  "I'm not really worried about interceptions.  You've seen who we normally have back there.  I love Tavaris Jackson, but he isn't really very accurate, so yes, I really think Deanna can help us win if she plays."

When asked about the prospect of playing, Mrs. Favre only said she hoped for lots of shotgun formations instead of traditional sets.

Davis & Baddour Vow To Fix UNC Football

North Carolina head football coach Butch Davis and Athletic Director Dick Baddour spoke candidly about the problems facing their football team.  The two known problems, agent contact with players and possible academic fraud, are what is at least known and may torpedo a program on the rise.

The agent problem is a bigger issue than the alleged academic fraud, according to Davis.  “I don’t want it to seem like I take the situation [with the tutor] lightly, even though I do.  I’ll pretend to be as upset as anyone, but, frankly, I am disappointed.  I’m disappointed because these guys turned in work that was way better than what they normally did.  I told them ‘Guys, just get a C.  That's all you need.  Don’t get greedy and go for an A or B.  All you need is a C’.  Unfortunately they did not listen”.

Former assistant coach and number one recruiter John Blake has been a focal point in agent/player/improper benefit controversy.  Davis told members of the media, including this reporter, that he did not know North Carolina’s players were so highly coveted.  “This program has had some great players.  Lawrence Taylor and Julius Peppers are two that come to mind.  But for the most part our players haven’t been that good.  Even though I’m the head coach and even though I authorize all the scholarship offers and even though I scouted our players too, I did not know our guys were NFL caliber.  Sure, I was an NFL coach, but it was the Browns and you couldn't really call those players NFL caliber”

When asked what was next for the program, Davis and Baddour said it is a matter of trust and putting steps in place so a similar incident does not occur.  Davis made it clear his main thing is trust.  “The problem is that I trusted John Blake.  I trusted him to make sure he covered up the trips, watches, earrings, flowers, dinners, and movies our guys were getting.  He just didn’t do a good enough job covering his tracks and now its hurting me, the team, the program, and the fans”.

Baddour said he has spoken with experts about how to solve the problem.  “We identified people that have successfully dealt with similar situations.  Going forward we will be consulting with Pete Carroll and John Calipari.  Pete’s expertise in dealing with agents and keeping things covered up until they are long past will be an invaluable tool in helping us better ensure our student athletes can receive improper benefits.  We think Pete will get us to the point where our student athletes and their families receive cars and homes like PAC 10 and SEC schools instead of just jewelry and trips.  John’s ability stands on its own merit.  His continued ability to knowingly help student athletes obtain bogus grades and escape punishment is renown throughout college athletics.  We realize that UMass became a shell of a program upon his departure and that most of his accomplishments at Memphis have been vacated, but he has continually escaped punishment.  John really knows what he is doing when it comes to academics.  I can point to his work at Kentucky, where it is obvious that Coach Calipari has implemented his creative ways.  I am confident Pete and John will comport the wisdom upon our and show us the proper way to conduct our illicit actions.  I am truly excited about our football program's future once the inevitable sanctions are lifted." 

Week or So In Review (October 7-10)

College Football

After being throttled 48-13 at home by Nebraska, Kansas State’s coach Bill Snyder’s family asked to have their names removed from Bill Snyder Family Stadium.

Nebraska QB Taylor Martinez entered the Heisman Trophy race with 241 rushing yards and four rushing touchdowns in a 48-13 victory over Kansas State. Martinez was also 5-7 passing for 128 yards and a touchdown.  When asked if he thought his low amount of pass attempts would hurt his chances of winning the trophy, a puzzled Martinez responded, “Quarterbacks normally throw or hand off?  I just thought those were just trick plays coach was calling.”

           

            Duke halted its losing streak by not playing.

            Steve Spurrier’s ego beat Nick Saban’s ego.

Cycling

Alberto Contador reached strike three in his bid to retain the 2010 Tour de France title and his clean reputation.  Strike one was a positive test for clenbuterol, which Contador claimed was from ingesting tainted meat (that’s what she said).  Strike two was the unusually high amount of plastic in his urine, supposedly from IV blood doping.  Strike three is the most damning allegation to date.  Evidence has now surfaced that Contador rode a Tomos moped during the 2010 tour’s mountain stages.  Contador maintained his innocence by saying he has never had a DUI, therefore he has no need for a moped.

NFL:

Reports surfaced Thursday that Brett Favre sent “racy” photos and texts to a Jets employee while with the team in 2008.  Minnesota Viking mascot now says Favre also sent him sexually explicit photos and texts messages.  The Semi Accurate Sports Report has obtained one such message.

           

“UR Ntense.  Lets huddle and cuddle sumtime.  PS I like bikes 2.”

           

More on this story as it develops.

Redskins beat the Packers in overtime on Mike Shannahan Tan Day.  Fans get free pass to DC Area tanning bed of their choice.

Detroit Lions win.  In related news, Hell froze over.

Aaron Rodgers ($13 million 2010 salary) met with Green Bay Packers fans ($74.33 average ticket price, $38,820 median household income) to support the NFL Players Association in their quest to get gain more of the league’s revenue.  Rodgers told the fans, “Look, we’re fighting for our families and livelihoods.  Sure, we get to travel to places you’ll never see and eat food you’ll never eat, and yeah, we make more per game than you do a whole year, but after buying a bunch of pimped out $100,000 cars and multiple homes that are way too big for any one family, it’s hard to provide our families the necessities we need to live.”

Arm Wrestling:

            Sylvester Stallone’s hat found to have performance enhancing drugs.  United Arm Wrestling Federation strips him of his title from Over The Top.

Tiger Woods Teaches Kids

Ladies man and golfer extraordinaire Tiger Woods visited Washington, DC yesterday for the opening of two Tiger Woods Learning Centers.  One center focuses on video and film production.  The other is centered around science and engineering.  The centers, located on high school campuses, had the students ready to learn. 

Tom Bryant, a senior at Elmwood High, raved about the centers and what Woods had to say.  "Oh man, this is so great!  The video and film center is my favorite.  Tiger showed us some really creative ways to make a sex tape without the chicks knowing.  He showed us some advanced techniques to get girls too.  I can't wait to put into action what I've learned.  I'm really gonna knock it out next year at college!"

Scott Dowell, another Elmwood senior, was equally excited.  "I'm equally excited," said Dowell.

In what appears to be a related matter, Church & Dwight, the manufacturer of Trojan brand condoms, announced plans to build a nearby factory.

Rawlings Asks Reds To Return Gold Gloves

The National League Divisional Series isn't getting any better for the Cincinnati Reds.  First, they forgot to swing at any pitches as Roy Halladay threw a no hitter.  Last night they committed four errors to let the Phillies extend innings and erase a 4-0 deficit.  Now Rawlings is joining in pounding on the Reds.

On the heels of the four error game, Rawlings has asked Brandon Phillips and Scott Rolen to return their Golden Gloves.  They also said Jay Bruce will not be considered in future Gold Glove award discussions. Jeff Rountree, VP Marketing for Rawlings, said in a prepared statement that "Rawlings takes the Golden Gloves award very seriously.  We expect our winners to exhibit the utmost in skill and to play like professionals.  While there is no shame in not winning the award consecutively, there is shame in playing like a bunch of mooks.  We want our recipients to be proud of the award, but we don't mean for them actually wear them during games."

When told of the news, Phillips, a 2008 winner, said Rawlings would have to work it out with his wife.  "Man, my wife loves that trophy.  She likes her nachos and that gold glove is one bitchin' guacamole holder.  She ain't gonna give it up easy".  Seven time winner Rolen was a bit more defiant.  "Tough titty said the kitty when the milk went dry.  I had three of them melted down to make this rockin' medallion and sold the rest to Cash 4 Gold."

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=5664288&categoryid=2521705

The Red look to rebound with Jonny Cueto (12-7) on Sunday,but it won't be easy.  Philadelphia will start Cole Hamels (12-11).  This reporter has not decided whether or not he will cover the game.  After all, baseball is pretty boring.

Favre's Calling Circle - There's Something About Jenn

Earlier this week, Deadspin.com reported that Brett Farve sent "racy" text messages and photos to former Jets game hostess Jenn Sterger while he played for the Jets.  Favre's response to the report was, "I'm not getting into that."  Ironically that is exactly what Sterger told the then Jets QB.  This reporter has learned Sterger's exact words were, "Brett, you're not getting into that." 

Phil Reese, Sterger's manager, strongly denied that Sterger had any involvement in the story becoming a story.  Reese told this reporter, "Deadspin did not offer Jenn enough money to make this non-newsworthy item news.  We were set to go with TMZ due to their expertise at hyperbole and hype.  Unfortunately, someone got these photos first."

The Semi Accurate Sports Report will continue to follow this story until something more interesting comes along.