Super Bowl Report: Big Ben Well Rested & Ready To Go

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said he is well rested for Sunday’s Super Bowl tilt with the Green Bay Packers.  “I was feeling kind of worn out after the AFC Championship and wasn’t real sure how things would go once we arrived here in Texas.” 

Roethlisberger’s rest, however, was aided by an emergency plan enacted by the twenty-one presidents of the Dallas-Fort Worth area’s colleges and universities.  Once the Steelers won the AFC crown and booked their ticket for Super Bowl XLV, the presidents placed all female students on lockdown.  R. Gerald Turner, president of Southern Methodist University, said the plan was simple.  “The plan was simple”, said Turner.  “Once we knew for sure the Steelers were coming, we enacted a plan to protect our female students.  This was a serious, credible threat to their well being.  We had not faced a challenge of this magnitude since Michael Irvin played for the Cowboys”



The Champ will have to wait until after XLV to get XXX

Charlotte Turner, a junior at Paul Quinn College, said she did not mind the lock down.  “Um, like yeah, I’m okay with the lock down.  I mean we have lots of pro teams here in Dallas, so yeah, I can totally get sexually assaulted by a pro athlete anytime I want.  Besides I’ve got this really big psych test next Tuesday so the time has been helpful for cramming.  My boyfriend Cody, he’s a Kappa Alpha, gets so jealous it’s not even funny.  I’m all as if and he’s like all is to.  So the lock down is good all around.”

Roethlisberger elaborated further on the situation.  “At first I was really looking forward to partying at TCU and SMU.  I’ve heard the girls at Cedar Valley are fine too and that the chicks at Dallas Baptist are freaks, but that Richland and Tarleton State girls aren’t much and kind of prudish.  Anyway, all this rest will help me dance around and hold the football longer than normal.”

Meanwhile…..

Clay Matthews knows that the Steelers offense poses lots of threats – Hines Ward’s blocking, Mike Wallace’s speed, fierce running from Rashard Mendenhall, and an elite quarterback.  The latter of which causes Matthews the most concern.  “Ben Roethlisberger causes a lot of trouble.  He can run, throw, and improvise.  The thing that worries me the most is that he’s gonna see my hair and think I’m a chick and try to do me on national TV.” 

Clay Matthews fears Ben Roethlisberger is going to get all Gatorade bottle on him. 
He is awful purty though, ain't he?

Matthews stated that he doesn’t think his fear of being anally raped on worldwide television is unfounded.  Matthews said he spoke with fellow long haired USC alum Troy Polamalu about the possibility of a Roethlisberger rogering.  “Troy said that there have been a couple of incidents when he’s been showering and Ben comes in.  Nothing ever happened past some comments and an ass slap, but Troy said Ben is one horny dude and that I better watch out”.

And……

Fox executives have cleared seven hours for the game.  Not the pregame show, which started last Tuesday, and game, but for the game itself.  Fox VP of Production, James Addobise gave the reasoning in an exclusive statement to some other newspaper that SASR intercepted.  “We plan on showing more replays that normal.  Especially needless replays, like a guy looking to his side or just sitting there doing nothing.  My favorite is when two guys are talking and the announcers act like they know what was being said because one of them used to play football.  We also plan on having about 40% more replays of three and four yard gains that don’t result in first downs.  We will probably show these kind of replays seven to eight times.  Research and focus groups with our staff shows that fans love this kind of stuff.”

Prediction

Both teams had tight games in their respective conference championships.  Both teams have stout defenses with excellent coordinators.  The offenses are about the same, which is good.  Both teams have excellent coaches.  This should be a really good, tight game that comes down to an X factor.  Karma will be the X factor in this game, as Aaron Rodgers will add to Brett Favre’s miserable season by leading the Packers to their fourth Super Bowl title.

Wake Forest AD Insists Basketball Team Is Ready For Postseason

Despite their 7-12 record and eight losses in their last nine games, Wake Forest Athletic Director Ron Wellman said that the Demon Deacons men’s basketball team will be ready for the post season. .

 “I have heard that some of our fans are upset because I fired Coach [Dino] Gaudio for not winning more in the post season despite the fact that our only Final Four was in 1962 and that his winning percentage of 66.6% is higher than Skip Prosser’s 64.9% and current head coach Jeff Bzdelik’s 50.2%, which does include his 45.5% winning percentage at the job previously held.  Did I mention he has been my bud for over thirty years?“, said Wellman

“Lookit, one of the keys to winning a basketball game is to out rebound your opponent.  With all the missed shots we have, we are certainly getting better at rebounding.  Our margin of defeat in conference play is only 26 points.  I am confident that this will make teams misunderestimate us and we will totally dominate in the post season.  It will be like a switch-a-roo or something.”

Ari Stewart, a sophomore forward for Wake Forest, said he hopes Wellman is right.  “I hope Wellman is right.”

Freshman Travis McKie said he agreed.  “I agree.” 

Former coach Dino Gaudio was unavailable for comment.  According to his wife, Gaudio was looking for his ass, which had fallen off during his most recent laughing attack.

Broncos Make Sly Choice, Hire John Fox To Be Head Coach

John Elway, looking to lead another Denver Broncos comeback, hired former Carolina Panthers head coach John Fox. 

Elway said, Fox "is dynamic and proven.  Coming off a 4-12 record and knowing that we will have a weak schedule, we look forward to an 11-5 or 12-4 record, followed by 7-9 the next two years. I feel certain that his style of play, choice of assistant coaches, and consistently inconsistent results will cement my legacy as the greatest Broncos player ever."

Broncos owner Pat Bowlen agreed that Fox is the right man for the job.  "Coach Fox is rooted in defensive football, but when it comes to offense, people don't give him the credit he deserves for his innovative approach.  He really keeps defenses guessing. Most teams throw down field when it is 3rd & long.  When he was with the Panthers, defenses never knew if they were running right or left.  Sometimes he would throw in a bigger wrinkle and use Steve Smith as a decoy for six or seven straight games.  Things things make it very difficult to game plan."

Elway concurred with Bowlen about Fox's innovations.  "Coach Fox doesn't subscribe to the groupthink
that every other NFL team and coach does.  They all believe tiring a defense is the best way to win.  John's approach is different.  He tires out the opposing team's offense by letting them have the ball for 35-40 minutes a game.  By the time they have their fourth or fifth touchdown, that offense is gassed."

Quarterback Tim Tebow, whom most NFL pundits dismiss as a run first quarterback with questionable mechanics, seemed relieved by the hiring.  "People say that I can't throw and that I'm just a runner.  With Coach Fox here it is a moot point.  I'll either be running on designed plays or running from opposing defenders when I drop back.  Either way I'm running, so it should be a win-win for me and my critics."

Asked about his opportunity with Denver, Coach Fox said, "I relish the opportunity to working the players and wasting their talent, like I did with Steve Smith.  I also look forward to mystifying the fans with years of mediocre results."

Donovan McNabb "Disrespected"; Redskins Fans Agree

During his radio show on Tuesday, recently demoted Redskins quarterback Donovan McNabb said he felt disrespected by the way his situation was handled.  McNabb said it was also a disrespect to the team.

Al Pavlowich, a longtime fixture at Redskins games, agreed with McNabb.  "I feel disrespected too", said Pavlowich, a Chevy Chase based insurance salesman.  "With the exception of one year, the Redskins haven't been worth a shit since 1992.  For 18 frigging years we have been putting up with old players being signed to insane contracts that mortgaged the team's future ability to develop through the draft, high dollar coaches that had ever never were or had lost the will to compete, a former Cowboy as head coach, and some of the league's highest ticket prices.  So to have our team continually do this year after year is mind boggling.  The Eagles are in our division for crying out loud.  Why the hell do you think they traded McNabb to us?  They knew he sucked.  That's why.  If he was so damn good in the first place they never would have traded him to a division rival in the first place!"

Murray Grunkell, one of the original Hogettes, agreed with Pavlowich.  "I used to really enjoy dressing in drag as a pig-man hybrid.  But the level of disrespect this team has shown the fans makes me want to hang myself with my game day mu-mu."  Grunkell, who works as a Mongolian translator for DC area Pic'N'Pays said he is considering switching over to the Ravens.  "I have a really sweet bird outfit, complete with a really big pecker, so I think the transition would be easy."

Week 13 Preview

Here are the things that will impact how this week’s games will turn out:

Cleveland vs. Miami: Cleveland has the big head after winning last week’s practice game against the Panthers.  Peyton Hillis is a certified stud, but Miami will win and Snowflake will still be safe.

San Francisco vs. Green Bay: 49ers coach Mike Singletary returns to Lambeau Field, where the former Bears great used to terrorize subpar Packers teams.   This time the shoe is on the other foot, as Green Bay is good and the 49ers not so much.  Although San Francisco has played better with the right Smith, Troy, not Alex, the smart money is on Green Bay.     

Denver vs. Kansas City: Revenge Game!  After Denver blitzed Kansas City 49-29 in Week 10, Kansas City coach Todd Hailey refused to shake the hand of Denver coach Josh McDaniels.  Prevailing wisdom at the time was Hailey was angry with McDaniels for running up the score.  The truth came to light the week as Hailey told reporters why he pointedly refused the handshake.  “McDaniels doesn’t wash his hands after he uses the bathroom.  That is unsanitary and a great way to spread germs, especially during cold and flu season.” Hailey and the Chiefs will both the germs and the Broncos.

You need to wash your hands, McDaniels!  You're a grown ass man for crying out loud.

Buffalo vs. Minnesota: Buffalo has won two games, been forced to play a game in Canada, and has a wide receiver that blamed God for a dropped pass that would have been a game ending touchdown against Pittsburgh.  Minnesota has a coach with a girl’s name, a running back with a girl’s name, and a quarterback that throws a lot of interceptions.  Minnesota’s troubles would normally be enough to lose.  However, God is still pissed about Steve Johnson blaming him for a dropped pass.  Expect Minnesota to get all Old Testament on Buffalo.

Chicago vs. Detroit:  Chicago is in first place.  Detroit is in last place.  DeAngelo Hall plays for the Redskins, not the Detroit Lions, so Jay Cutler can rest easy.  Chicago wins.

Jacksonville vs. Tennessee:  Last week Tennessee’s Cortland Finnegan kissed his NFL career goodbye.  Getting whooped by Andre Johnson isn’t what did it.  Smiling and clapping his hands like he didn’t get whooped when everyone, including him, knows he got whopped but was trying to draw attention away from the fact he got whooped is what ruined his career.  Jacksonville’s tough guy coach Jack Del Rio will make sure the Jags exploit this newly found weak link.

Washington vs. New York Giants: New York will win this one.  They will run it straight up Washington’s gut.  That is, the massive gut of Albert Haynesworth, who will have five pastrami hoagies and no tackles while Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw run wild.

New Orleans vs. Cincinnati: Cincinnati had a football team?  Go figure.  Saints over the Bungles.

Oakland vs. San Diego: A battle of what seems to be underachieving team that is coming on strong and an overachieving team that is cooling off.  How can this be and why was the preceding sentence ended with a preposition?  I don’t know either answer, but I do know nerds are taking over the world.  This trend continues as Norv “The Nerd” Turner’s Chargers take the win.

Atlanta vs. Tampa Bay: An albatross once caused a mariner trouble.  This time it is birds of a different feather in the Falcons looking to cause trouble for a different type of sea farers in the Buccaneers.  A buccaneer is a sissy way of saying pirate.  Pirates are supposed shoot cannons and guns and be mean.  All the football experts say Atlanta is the best team in the NFC.  This non-expert says this has made the Falcons cocky and that they will lose to Tampa Bay.

Carolina vs. Seattle:  Seahawks aren’t scavengers, but they will be this week as the pick at what’s left of Carolina’s carcass.  Seattle wins and the remaining Panthers are euthanized despite PETA’s protests.

St. Louis vs. Arizona: This week Arizona quarterback Derek Anderson worked his ass off and was extra serious about sucking the best he could suck.  He also worked on his pretend to be mad acting skills.  The problem for Arizona is that Anderson did not work on his football skills.  St. Louis head butts Arizona to another loss.

Dallas vs. Indianapolis: Lately on argument can be made that the horseshoe logo on Peyton Manning’s helmet is from getting pulverized by opposing players.  Dallas is playing well after tanking on Wade Phillips the first eight games.  Cowboys normally ride colts, but Peyton Manning is on the record as liking crappy country music – but isn’t most country music crappy nowadays? What does that have to do with this game?  It means the Colts save a horse and ride the Cowboys.

Pittsburgh vs. Baltimore: A good old fashioned slug fest.  Tough defenses, intense coaches, and genuine dislike.  If you don’t like these kinds of games, let me encapsulate it for you: The Ravens will knife through Pittsburgh’s offensive line much like the same way Ray Lewis helped knife through Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar in January 2000.  Ben Roethlisberger will hold onto the ball too long.  John Harbaugh and Mike Tomlin will scare players and officials with their steely glares.  Baltimore will win in a hard fought game.

New York Jets vs. New England: Reports came out this week that Tom Brady is growing his hair long because he is losing his hair.  This is referred to as the Hulk Hogan Hairdo.  “Maybe if I grow it long enough they won’t notice I’m bald.”  Rex Ryan had a lap band put on his stomach and he is still fat.  I don’t know what that is called.  This game is, however, for first place in the AFC East.  The winner also moves into first place in the entire AFC.   The Jets starting wide receivers have been arrested for drunk driving and pot, respectively.  Tom Brady is married to a super model.  Mark Sanchez designed t-shirts for the Jets training camp.  The Jets most famous fan is some guy in a fireman’s hat.  The Patriots most famous fan is Ozzy Osbourne.  None of what was previously written will have any bearing on the game unless Braylon Edwards or Santonio Holmes drives New York’s bus to the stadium. The Jets won the first one, but the Patriots win this one.

Jake Delhomme Responsible For Yet Another Panthers Loss & Other Football News

Jake Delhomme was up to his old tricks again, as he was responsible for another Panthers loss Sunday.  Delhomme exhibited his tendency to let the opposing team back in the game by throwing bad interceptions, including the pick six by Captain Munnerlyn.  After the game Delhomme, who is one of the game's nicer guys, said, "Man, it sure feels great to get a win!  I was kind of confused for a while because I am so used to playing for [the Panthers] and I'm used to throwing to the other team.  During the whole game I felt like I was still on Carolina.  That's why I hadn't thrown any picks.  When the second half started, I still thought I was on the Panthers and realized that was who I needed to throw the ball to.  When [Carolina] got that touchdown I was like, 'Alright!', but Peyton Hillis smacked me upside the head and told me to throw it to the guys in the brown shirts.  So I just pretended I was on the Panthers again so I would throw it to the other team, which in this case is my team.  The Browns."

When asked if this win felt any different, Delhomme said, "No, but hopefully the fans in Charlotte realize it wasn't my fault after all."

In Other NFL News:

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson dropped what would have been a game winning touchdown pass during overtime of Buffalo's 19-16 loss to Pittsburgh.  After the game, Johnson tweeted that the drop was God's fault.  God tweeted back: "OMI!  ROTFLMAO at your butterfingers!  O yeah U R going 2 Hell now."

Norv Turner's unconventional plan to go ahead and get all the losses over with at the beginning of the season, close strong to make the playoffs is once again working to perfection.  The San Diego beat Indianapolis to stay one game back of Kansas City in the AFC West.  The Chargers' win also helped create a four team log jam for the final playoff spot with five games to go.

Speaking of Indianapolis, Peyton Manning struggled for the second straight game.  Against New England last week, Manning threw three interceptions.  Last night San Diego intercepted Manning four times, returning two for touchdowns.  Asked about his Vinny Testaverdeesque performance, Manning blamed the bad games on the movie Megamind.  "I've been doing a lot of promotional work with the movie and it has taken a lot of time that I normally devote to football.  Being the star of the movie is a lot of fun, but I need to get back to football."



Peyton Manning as Megamind (above) and at the 2009 Pro Bowl (below)



Major League Baseball's Shocking Hire

Bob Watson, Vice President of Discipline for Major League Baseball, announced that he will retire at year end.  Moving quickly to replace Watson, Major League Baseball has hired well known Lower East Side dominatrix Miss Jacqueline.  In a Semi-Accurate Sports Report exclusive, this reporter sat down with Miss Jacqueline.

SASR: Miss Jacqueline, will you implement any changes to Mr. Watson's platform?

MJ: Silence Worm!  You only speak when I tell you to speak.

SASR: Written note to Miss Jacqueline asking for permission to speak.

MJ: Worm, you may now speak.

SASR: Miss Jacqueline, back to my first question.  Will you increase any of the current punishment standards?

MJ: Yes my little worm.  In addition to the normal suspensions, those naughty little men must wear nipple clamps, get spanked, and play games wearing a ball gag.

SASR: That sounds a little extreme.  Do you think families will attend games if the players are sporting those types of, um, fashion accessories?

MJ: Discipline is necessary and oh so good.  Our players will behave or they will have to deal with me and Woody.

At this point Miss Jacqueline scared me so I left lickity split.  This report will share any other made-up news as it is created.



Don't make this woman angry.